This one, this form I hold now

So familiar and overwhelmingly warm
This one, this form I hold now.
Embracing you, this reality here,
This one, this form I hold now, so
Wide eyed and hopeful.
Wide eyed and hopefully wild.

We barely remember what came before this precious moment,
Choosing to be here right now. Hold on, stay inside...
This body holding me, reminding me that I am not alone in
This body makes me feel eternal. All this pain is an illusion.

~tool


When I look back on the past several months of my life, I realize that I haven't really been here in this body and in this present moment. I have been taking part, for some time, in a total abstraction; a fraudulant waste of time that only serves to separate me from who I am further. This waste comes from action based upon the desires and ambitions; their object was the self and nothing else. One can be physically here or there, but their mind is so often caught up in the karmic (game-like) reality of it all. It is none other than a silly game and it should be seen as such, not given the importance of life itself.

It is during times of reflection like this, that I remember what life was like when things were much simpler. It is during these times that I truly learn from my mistakes and move on, hopefully, with the knowledge of what I have done; I move to a better way as I discard the useless part of myself that was realized as such. I recall a period in my life when I would spend hours doing nothing but Tai Chi, playing around with swords or even practicing the playing of music. It was so easy back then because I lived in suburbia with mom and pop and all I needed to do was go outside to the driveway and I could transport myself back to the ways of ancient China and feel the same things that the ancients such as the legendary Yang Cheng Fu and Chan Sen Fang would have felt. I could feel the Chi flowing through me like a sort of spiritual aether that transports the body and mind to another place apart from the rediculousness of the modern day world and linear time. I remember how I felt during those lucid experiences, for it was during those times that I truly understood the waste that most of our lives amount to. It was only during those times that I could step out of the typical routines that suck up our lives and feel what the ancient people used to ennoble their spirits.

How empty and devoid our modern lives are. How many of us spend hours on end sitting in chairs and looking at words or pictures on some sort of screen? Sitting there while the hours tick by, one moment just like the last, barely noticed they are until its finally time to fall asleep so the same can be done again tomorrow... *sigh*... I remember why, now, that I began to see things such as Tai Chi as important. It was only during such periods as when the ancient arts were practiced that I felt I was really living my life and being aware of all of the minute beauty in things. I would always practice at night and I remember distinctly looking up at the sky and seeing all of the stars; I felt like I knew why they [the stars] were there, during times like that.

I felt like there were others who felt the same, most of them looking back from the stars, unfortunately they were not on this particular planet. I remember thinking how rediculous it is that I'm the only one, perhaps the only one for hundreds of miles, who was feeling so connected and inspired by the present moment; the only one who tried to feel the true power of my spirit to manifest its energies in this existence. Everyone else seemed to be so caught up with what they may or may not have in the future, what they may or may not know, or who they may or may not be able to exchange bodily fluids with; they were caught up in trying to live their lives "productively and efficiently" so that they can save lots of that green god, "money" and one day sit on their fucking ass all day jerkin' off and doing nothing cuz "they deserve it" after all. Thats the promise of society, "forsake the present moment for the better part of your life and one day you can do whatever you want," this is all a bold faced lie. What did we really gain by formalizing everything to this extent; it seems to me like we are merely martyring our selves to caution. Why spend your life building some rediculous pyramid of wealth; all you are doing is enslaving the rest of society to you by holding over it your accumulated wealth.

The only other alternative, in suburbia during those better spent years, was to plop down in front of the television box or computer screen. God knows, I spent a great deal of time wasting away in front of such a box as did all of those around me, but fortunately I had enough sense to spend a significant portion of my time working towards greater self-discipline and self-awareness. I may not have been very mature back then, but when I consider how I live my life now, then I wonder whether or not things have improved.

I cannot even begin to count the number of times that I've had, more or less, the same conversation with people around me. We talk about how things are different than they ought to be (duh) and then play captain obvious and say how we don't like being pushed around by the ignorance of the rest. That, I have come to find, is a big fucking waste of time and life. If things are different than they "ought to be" then we should DO OUR OWN THING when we can and not worry about it. I know one thing and that is the fact that there's no real way to formalize how things "ought to be"; all we can do is act in accordance to our inner guiding principles and, perhaps other individuals, seeing the synergy of our actions, will realize that they may benefit from doing the same. If they do not then that is their loss and we should not waste our happiness feeling grevious for their wasted and feutile lives.

It is thus that I resolve to, during the many hours I have available to myself, spend this time LOSING the self and not working towards the pitiful goal of self-promotion or self-aggrandizement. I truly pity those who live and die by their desires; always living for some phony "pie-in-the-sky" reality in which they have the perfect companion, money and all the other self-promoting nonsense that we attach to. When I think of the prevalence of this, as I often do, I am reminded of a quote from the dao de jing that has forever echoed in my mind:

"Both praise and blame cause concern,
For they bring people hope and fear.
The object of hope and fear is the self -
For, without self, to whom may fortune and disaster occur?

Therefore,
Who distinguishes himself from the world may be given the world,
But who regards himself as the world may accept the world."

Having lived all of my life in a society filled to the brim with people who don't understand this, I often repeat this in my head when I see the error in our ways. I try to repeat it to others, at times, but they haven't the faintest clue why this is important. It is time we accepted the world; once that is done then we can move on and build a better world inside...